2018-09-03 - 10:49 p.m.
I was thinking that i had lost most or all of my passion... i blamed age and thought it was natural... it was something to fight against.. something i needed to do to retain my youth... to not become complacent..
today i feel different... certain media, certain art and literature effect me differently.. and the distinction that i make now is that it's not like stimulus is having a decreased effect on me, but more like i just know more about the world now and i need more stimulus to get an emotional impact... i think today i realized that there is a distinction there... it doesnt mean that i have less passion... it means that i require more to drive that passion... which makes sense, as the more you know, the more you need...
The fact that i keep going and the fact that i expect more, but i dont necessarily stop, proves that i still have passion of some sort... i just need to draw it out... i need to do more... and i should not feel ashamed to ask for more... this is the way it is when you're progressing.. if i understand that, then everything is a little bit more in perspective...
The band will continue... Caleb being gone will not be the end all be all of this band... i will rehearse with Oly and Gabriel every month and will not miss jam sessions... it will be a work-in-progress running in my background... i need to write my book when im at home and write and record music while im at home too... do more... for every 10 times of work i put in i will see 1 result come out... and i should be happy with that ratio... i'll just keep doing... and that will keep me progressing...
I need to stop a multitude of things to get this process going proper again... one is that i will stop facebook... i'll keep it as a tool i can use for the band when/if the band gets to a point where we need it again... and two, i will only watch youtube when i need educational material... not for fluff... the reason i quit tv was for the same reason and i was better for it.. i did more.. and now im ready to embrace that again...
i watched Synecdoche, New York again today... i havent watched it since early in Whit and my relationship... i emoted a lot then with this movie... i cried at the end...
I cried for a very specific reason then... it was almost like i cried for all the wrong reasons... i disconnected with the message of the film and was hurting from that final scene.. because it shockingly brought me face to face with what it might be like to pass and lose time with Whitney...
Since falling in love with her, i've had that fear rumbling around in my mind and that realization that i always pushed away was there for me... i imagined Ellen's analogue-mother.. fake mother if you will.. was Whitney and that i was Ellen ... and this might be what it will look like for me to die.. so even the best case scenario in my life would be utterly sad, disappointing and lonely...
But now, this time, i did not feel that way... i understood more of the story and followed more of the overall theme rather than emoting with the images so much... i was emoting more with the over story and message... and while it was still sad and emotional... it made me feel different...
I was thinking about this while making dinner for us.. i remember when we first had one of our emotional talks together Whit expressed her situation in clear terms for me for once... and what she liked about me is how i seemed to care so much for her and would just do kind things for her for what would seem like no reason at all... she explained that she's looked after too many people for too long and she needed someone to take care of her, this time... at that time that made me think about when i was in Lindsey's apartment and i was thinking about Whitney while i was there... Lindsey and i were talking about 'the Age of Reason' by Sartre.. and i was thinking about how Whitney gave me purpose... how i felt like i finally had a reason for the things that i do... it motivated me.. it got me up in the morning.. it made me do things i normally wouldnt do... it permanently changed me..
And now that it's love and it's 5 years later, i see that it hasnt diminished... my flaws and my sadness now still come from other things.. mainly career and finances... my music as an artist... trying to get material out into the world... which has been my greatest struggle... but im in love.. and that's given me a different opportunity in life now.. i do have an edge... i just need to take advantage of it... it's just a steeper hill to climb now.. and it's not an easy path...
So this time, the movie made me feel more calm... ready for what i need to do.. it's like it ready's you for acceptance... So yes, i accept.. and i will try harder.
My need for passion is just a phobia.. it's there.. i just need to channel it.. and that will be my goal moving forward
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