2018-08-31 - 10:06 p.m.
Well i saved for almost a year.. and now i blew all of those savings and fell back into debt... maybe i can get a consolidation loan or something to get me out quicker...
There were good reasons though.. one is that i purchased an engagement ring for my love, Whitney... she is the most beautiful person i've ever known.. i cant believe we've come this far.. and it doesnt seem like that long either... maybe that's who you know things are working... you dont have to focus on it, but when you look back, it's incredible...
I cant wait to give her the ring.. it still hasnt got here yet... but it will be on it's way in two weeks.. i spent half of this year finding the right place and the right kind and getting the stone custom cut and in my price range... it's the largest purchase i've ever made in my life really.. my car doesnt count though!
The other purchase was my custom in-ear-monitors and other music gear.. bass amp and keyboard amp for the band.. so now, i have to be poor for the winter.. and count every dollar and be a musician again...
Part of me feels like i did this on purpose.. so i can feel the squeeze of financial burden again... like i subconsciously wanted to squeeze myself so i can focus on music again... i write better and i write more when there is some kind of squeeze on me.. i find it makes me dig harder... i need to feel the struggle so i can write songs until finished... it doesnt matter the mood of the song.. but i need to feel like im boxed in, in some way... Like the Boss said in an interview: 'the greatest rock and roll musicians are desperate men'... maybe i need a desperation when i write.. i need to feel like there's some urgency in life..and that's probably why i feel more alive when i do it... if you're not struggling, you're not living.
So now im dissatisfied with my finances again and living in fear of the future... but.. im living? I know.. that's the lovely paradox that i chose... i'll fix my finances soon.. I've got to..
I got another band lineup going this year.. but then right when things were coming together and i though we could begin to try playing at a high level again, the drummer pulled the plug... Caleb leaves in 4 months... at least he gave me notice...
It was nice for about 2 jams though.. we had 2 keyboardists, a bassist, him and me... the sound was full.. Well, it seemed too much for Maru (keyboards) and he pretty much quit now too... he said he needs to break for a few months because of work... i was actually hoping he'd quit really because he was not really contributing enough and not showing up to enough rehearsals... always missing out with some lame excuse... i had to nag him every month for the jamspace rent too... it was annoying...
Either way we're now left with Gabriel on keys, me on vocals/guitar and Oly on bass...
Im excited for Oly.. he's a great guy.. seems kinda depressed though.. and it shows.. and i know the feeling and definitely recognize the signs... he seems quite motivated for music though.. and now i have a reason to make this band great... the only problem is that we still need a great drummer to come in and fill the gap that Caleb will leave... Why does this happen?
It's so frustrating.. and my music keeps getting better.. today i wrote a new song that just flowed and it's very progressive and intense... and again, im left with no drummer to see it through...
I feel cursed... but i refuse to take no for an answer.. and i will get back on stage with a good band again before my time is up... Im taking one last very real run at it again.. and i will summon up my courage and hope again to try and keep this stable
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