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2018-02-01 - 11:51 p.m.

Another birthday and im still wondering where my life is going... i try to get to the point more often now... im still the same... i still watch star trek II on my birthday if im sad about aging... i still write music.. i still have hopes with a band.. and as this years hopes are not soaring high like in the past years.. i feel that im writing my best music ever... but i cant hide the dreary melancholy i keep creeping into the chord and lead structures of my songs... my music now sounds very much like me.. dreary.. melancholy.. with spasms of frustrations to wake me from the haze...

it's okay.. i do have a love.. and i dont have to think about it.. life is so good with Whitney.. but we're poor as she's struggling with her job situation and im trying to balance the types of mindsets i need to have to remain myself while making sure she knows that im accomplishing my role as a household member...

it's tough to think about art these days.. but it's also unavoidable.. part of me likes that the ugliness of the world that i've always said was there is now out for everyone to see.. another part hates the fact that i have to spell out the most simple aspects of life to people i care about..

not Whitney though.. she understands.. but we're getting consumed by the wave of ignorance that is embracing this continent and what seems to be the rest of the world also.. with this many ultra-right mindsets in the world right now under the guise of globalization, we must be inching towards war... some say it'll be the last.. and that really is scary to me now.. the one time i've found some stabilty in my life.. the one time im happy in love.. and something threatens to take it away from me..

That's why art must be persued.. no matter how futile it seems... or weary and depressed you get.. art is the answer... and if i can just try a few things to keep myself emotionally engaged, then that's what my life means now at 37..

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